Looking after Herman

    Hi out there. Are you ready for another fun day? I sure hope so. Because today is going to be fun, fun, fun. We've got tricks and hats and fluffed-up pies sitting in a nice tidy pile.

    And if you're very quiet, you can hear the footsteps of old brother Herman. Herman has been away for a very long time. I hope you don't mind if he smells a little. He really can't help it. Herman? Herman? Oh, there he is. He's sitting right next to one of you.

    Don't be shy Herman. These are our friends. Yes, they are people that are going to be very nice to you. So you don't have to hide behind your chair. You shouldn't do that, Herman.

    Are you going to make me go to the old place like when we were kids? I wouldn't be very nice then. Are you listening to me? I'm not sure I'm happy with you. I think if you don't say something nice and real soon in good way I'll cut, cut, cut and make unpretty things.

    And then I'll wash up all the mess and make a neat, clean place that you don't mind after a busy day at the market. Oh, that'll be keen. Just a few flowers here. Maybe a picture on the wall. Some wallpaper or a different color paint. A floor that shines and shows how simple everything is.

    Gosh, that would be swell. I just think we could not be in such a dirty place. Maybe all of this is just a little too mixed up. Sometimes, if your shoelaces get too tangled, it's better to... to... now I forget. I had this point I was going to make that was really smart and showed you how to look at things.

    But I guess you don't really care. Doesn't matter that much does it? Just stare at the ground and never blink or breath or act like you really give a sh*t. How does this feel if I put this knife in your leg?

    You know, I guess, that there never were any kids here. You don't have any little people to laugh at you or tell jokes. But you do smell. Those colors in the bottle do. But look on the bright side. Pretty soon you can find a nice shady space of grass and watch the ducks, or whatever it is that happens.

    If you would move once in a while, it wouldn't be so bad. You're really pretty f***ing stupid.

    No, I... I ought to be going. I've got important things to do. Every day waking up and finding the same torn walls and carpetted floors. I think you'll feel better if I sew your legs back on.

    I wouldn't do anything that's not really kind you know. I'm a good person. Why everyone that I know sees me when I walk by. And they think, "Gosh, what a great really considerate sort of a human being thing he is."

    I bet you didn't know that. Thought I told you pretty much everything. But I kept it to myself. Otherwise you'd know by now why you smell so much. But I won't tell you. I'll wait. Maybe your next birthday.

(c) 1994, Matthew K. Coughlin